I had a lot to think about after my first Photo Beam Therapy. First of all I felt nothing as the photons altered my cells. There wasn’t any burning; I didn’t feel faint or sick to my stomach, which relieved me no end. The machine was pretty quiet too. As long as I heard a little noise from it I knew that it was on. But I did feel a slight something, like having a word at the end of your tongue, you can’t quite grab it but it’s there. It was just something. And I felt very very tired.
That night I was very tired, too tired to eat much. I felt more rested the next day, knowing that I didn’t have to get on a train until the next day. And I did rest a lot after lunch, letting my mind slip into different slide shows. I was self – assessing more than I ever had before. And that was OK with me. It wasn’t about making decisions, it was about how I would feel the next day or the next after that.
After I finish my Photon Beam Therapy would I sink again into depression and trigger my PTSD again? I wanted to be “stronger”. I wanted to be “normal”. But looking back on that, what is normal for someone going through Photon Beam Therapy? It was, after all depressing. It was a conundrum for me, and how I thought that I should feel. So I gave in to however I felt because I didn’t have the energy to heal from radiation and fight my feelings. So I said the hell with it, I will try not to interfere with whatever mood hits me. I actually found it less depressing doing that!! It was my cancer, so there!
The next day when I walked into the waiting room for my Photon Beam Therapy I didn’t feel as strange as I did the first time. Procrastination forbids me to have everything ready, including my special hospital scanning card. I changed into my natty gown and waited to be called by one of the technicians. I was just focused on my twenty minutes with outer space and then having four days to rest. My name was called out by a gal who treated me three years earlier for my third cancer. Old times!! Like going back to camp after a long winter. My time on the table this time seemed shorter. My thoughts wandering all over the world, remembering my trips to Paris with Dave and yelling at the machine to kill my cancer cells. It was a very busy inner time for me, one who is never still anyway.
I did feel a little something when I got up from the table the first time. It was a heavy sensation. It was frustrating not knowing how to explain it. I am seldom wordless. I don’t struggle so much with emotions, but with nouns and adjectives and it was getting tougher as I got older. To understand Photon Beam Radiation you must have an intricate understanding of quantum physics. I guess it’s intuitive. I do not feel that innate closeness with quantum physics. There is nothing on earth that we can make into counterpart analogies to so I am truly lost. Medical research and my doctors know that it is the best option very often it works. So I have a deep faith in it. And who am I to argue?